Rich wrote a profound email to me this morning. He calls me “Trishie” and he signed it with my nickname for him. I love it when he calls me Trishie. He has done that since we first met in 1977 and is the only person who ever calls me that. I like that part of it. I asked him if he was okay with me putting his email in the blog and he immediately said, “yes.” He was quiet for a few minutes and followed his permission with, “I can’t believe that someone like me, who has always been pretty private about everything I feel, is willing to put all this horridness out for the world to see. I keep telling myself that if it helps even one person to feel less alone, then I have contributed something important.”
I’m sorry for yesterday’s emotional nightmare. I’m always apologizing.
I’m hoping today is better than the past few days. I’m hoping that’s just a passing phase as we have been through so, so many times. But, I’m feeling depressed this morning. “Ground hog’s day.” Why should I expect anything different?
As you know, I was up at 2:00 this morning and couldn’t sleep. I was going to get out of bed, but what for? I felt depressed, which scares me when the dragon is sitting on my shoulder in the middle of the night. I used to be able to escape it and go back to bed. Well, I finally fell back asleep and then when I woke up there it was. I wanted, so badly, to spoon into you, feel safe from the dragon and fall back asleep. But of course, no so. And, again, that leads to more guilt which is added on to all the guilt I already have. The dragon is sitting here with me now as I write this. FEAR! THE BLACK, DEEP ABYSS! THE FEELING OF SLOWLY (OR QUICKLY) LOSING YOU GUYS! FEAR! ISOLATION! CRY, CRY, CRY.
Run, Rich…run! Walk your morning walk. Keep the dragon away, just to have it waiting (sometimes in the background so it’s not so heavy or) right there in your face. That doesn’t work? Ok, ride the Harley. No, that often doesn’t work either. It sits in the garage and awaits my return.
My interaction with my most precious gifts in my world (you, Tara, Ash and Ally)? You tell me. WHAT interaction? The “It Is What It Is” video SHADOW feels, as I think about it all the time, and seems to be me. I’m just a shell. The shell seems to be coming on while I’m still aware enough to recognize it. Where’s the substance? Yeah, I have my precious and intermittent “present” moments, but how often do you see those?
You and Tara worried me last night when you talked about me not blinking and that you’ve seen this behavior recently. Is it conveying something to you? Or, is it looking at you and going blank?
Yes, I am definitely feeling sorry for myself.
And, YOU? And, Tara? And, Ash? And, Ally? How are you feeling? Stupid, stupid question. Actually, it’s rhetorical. I don’t need to ask, as I’ve asked so many times before. I know the answers.
So? We just go moment by moment? We just keep putting one foot in front of the other? And, all the other sayings, as well?
Come on; you have no marital life worth a shit! The kids don’t have much of a dad “left.” And, Ally? What substance of a Papa is there for her?
Yesterday, I tried to tell Bubba how lucky the people are who just drop dead unexpectedly. How lucky they are that they didn’t expect it, didn’t go through what we experience each day. He tried to be positive by saying, “but you have your wonderful family.” Yes, I do, but what good am I to any of you in your lives?
I feel I’m free falling with no parachute and the ground is quickly getting closer.
Ok, enough of this. I don’t want to deal with any more with this writing.
Today, I’ll make a better effort to be present and get out of the shadow. I’ll do my escape walk and weight lifting. Then, we can do our “gotta do’s” at Costco and Sportsman’s Warehouse. Maybe, just maybe, you can have a little bit of me today.
I love you. Always have; always will.