Yesterday was a horrible emotional day. (It is so odd for me to share such personal feelings. All of my life, I have been very, very careful to protect my privacy, especially any mental health issues. Now, I openly share these subjects. My wife, Patty, said, by doing so, I may be able to help others suffering from this terrible illness. So, if my writings help at least one person…it’s damn well worth it to open my heart.)
Yesterday, I spent my time in Hell (again). If you’ve ever seen Botticelli’s painting “Map of Hell,” representing hell from the written works of Dante, you’d have a descriptive image of where the “hell” (pun intended) I was. I was non-functioning, unable to make any decisions, couldn’t stop sobbing, fearing I was descending to the point of never being able to function again. Patty said I was pacing back and forth and wringing my hands. I had to be medicated so that I could escape my emotions. I slept most of the day. When I awoke, most of the worse pain was gone — well, not gone, but diminished. Nonetheless, the hellhounds were still circling and staring at me with the intent to bite again.
So, today is a new day. I’m not in hell this morning. However, the horrible experience is still causing me to tremble. I do know, from past warrior battles in which I have been engaged, that even the strongest and most skilled warriors do have scars (physical and/or mental, and/or emotional) after their ‘battle’ encounters. Borrowing this from an unknown author: ‘”Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’
And, so it is. I am trying again today. I’m doing my morning routine. Soon, I’ll be out the door for my walk and workout. Then, I’ll do laundry and other things to keep me busy. (Such important things to do for a guy who figuratively held the lives of innocent children in his hands taking action and making recommendations to help and protect them).”
My point (which has been said to me time and time and time again by my loving and supportive – and smarter – wife, Patty) don’t give up, despite your inability to function at a particular time or for a particular period of time.
So, today, the warrior begins a new day of travel and stands vigilant as he is well aware that the battle will never cease until his physical life ends.