This morning, during my daily walk, I was thinking about how the victims of FTD start to “disappear,” (i.e., they lose their personalities, beings, and souls – they lose the essence of what makes them, them). Their families “lose” them.
All of a sudden, it hit me. I, as a victim of FTD, am losing my family. It’s not that I don’t recognize them, or know who they are. But, it just seems I am distancing myself from them. Every day, it seems to intensify. I am not doing this intentionally. I don’t want this to happen. Nor, do I like the feeling.
Is it because I am preparing them for the inevitable (i.e., trying to soften the blow of the loss of “me”)? Is it because I’m afraid of the inevitable and am “protecting” myself? Neither of these make logical sense because it is my family that supports me, gives me strength, loves me and puts up with me. It is my family that keeps me from ending this ongoing emotional pain and what lies ahead for all of us.
I didn’t arrive at an answer. I was unable to figure out why. Maybe, it will come to me; maybe it won’t.
In the meantime, the warrior in me now has another battle to fight: don’t let it happen. Fight to keep from losing the most important gift in my lifetime.