I am regularly asked, by many caring people with sincerity, compassion, concern and love, “how are you doing?” My response is, “things are challenging.” However, “challenging” fails to even come close to describing the struggle of dealing with the depression, anxiety, mania, anger, agitation and lack of focus which are often all experienced in a one day roller coaster ride. My days are like the movie “Groundhog Day.” Each day is the same as far as the various moods. However, it is the degree to which these moods affect me.
Most of the time, my daily 2 1/2 hour walks and subsequent weight lifting are sufficient to push the feelings aside, but that only lasts a short time. Then, the dragon returns to haunt me and the hellhounds nip at my backside as a constant reminder that I am never going to be at peace. And, so it goes.
Today, I awoke with no feelings of any negative sort. In fact, I had no feeling whatsoever; positive or negative. But, shortly after my coffee, email and facebook routine, the anxiety hit hard. I immediately hit the streets with Harley, my German Shorthair Pointer, my regular workout companion. Normally, it might take fifteen minutes or so before the the moods begin settling down as I push my power walk. Not so this morning. My entire walk and weight lifting failed to chase the dragon away. It accompanied me the e nitre time. Needless to say, it was very unnerving.
By the time I finished my workout, I was crawling out my skin. This created more anxiety in me because my methods of combating these emotions failed to work. So, I went into the backyard to help Patty with yard work. She was looking kind-of stressed. Every so often, her poker face slips and her ability to muscle through her pain that comes from our situation, shows on her face. Her pain is apparent as she watches me disintegrate.
My feelings were so intense, as they always are, when they initially hit me this morning and continued throughout my workout, that I thought the only way I can stop the pain is to stop living. So, the thought I wanted to take myself out goes through my mind. However, the warrior I am refuses to let my family suffer the pain of such an act, so I put that thought away and decided, once again, the warrior will sacrifice himself for his family.